Jack White’s Gimmicky Lazaretto Ultra LP

Jack White, the palest man on earth and occasional guitar player, announced yesterday that his new album, Lazaretto (6/10 on Third Man), will also be released in an “Ultra LP” format. The Ultra LP will contain all sorts of whozits and whatzits galore, per White’s site:

-180 gram vinyl
-2 vinyl-only hidden tracks hidden beneath the center labels
-1 hidden track plays at 78 RPM, one plays at 45 RPM, making this a 3-speed record
-Side A plays from the outside in
-Dual-groove technology: plays an electric or acoustic intro for “Just One Drink” depending on where needle is dropped. The grooves meet for the body of the song.
-Matte finish on Side B, giving the appearance of an un-played 78 RPM record
-Both sides end with locked grooves
-Vinyl pressed in seldom-used flat-edged format
-Dead wax area on Side A contains a hand-etched hologram by Tristan Duke of Infinity Light Science, the first of its kind on a vinyl record
-Absolutely zero compression used during recording, mixing and mastering
-Different running order from the CD/digital version
-LP utilizes some mixes different from those used on CD and digital version

Wowee!! A 3 speed record?! What a GAME CHANGER! Let’s see your shitty-ass 128 kbps mp3 do that! Sarcasm aside, I’ll admit it that it’s pretty cool White is putting so much thought into this product, which will be available at a reasonable price too. I’m just surprised he left out all the other features of the “Ultra LP” in this press release. Here are a few more features of the upcoming Lazaretto Ultra LP Jack White forgot to mention:

– record can be used as Frisbee

– this vinyl will be more vinyl-y than regular vinyl

– free fedora hat with every purchase!

– if placed on a table, record can be cool decorative place mat

– blew a tire on your bike? Replace it with the Lazaretto LP!

– add tomato sauce and cheese for a delicious vinyl pizza

– use this LP as a cool belt buckle. The ladies will love it!

– Absolutely zero originality used during recording, mixing and mastering

– Dead wax area on Side B contains a hand-etched hologram of Tupac, the first of its kind on a vinyl record

– the end of the album features a never-ending loop of Robin Williams talking

– if played loud enough, you can drown out the sound of your pathetic cries and hopes for a White Stripes reunion

– when played backwards, this album will reveal satanic messages as well as the whereabouts of Meg White

– hidden tracks are actually just Jack White farting whilst talking about vintage guitars

– finally, you can trade this record for the new Fucked Up album Glass Boys, available June 3, which will no doubt be a better investment in the long-term than this gimmicky bullshit

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